A new day dawns, the pink and golden hues set the sky ablaze. It feels as if the vibrant watercolors are bursting out of me and lighting the sky with their brilliance. Clouds transform from messengers of gloom into awe-inspiring behemoths towering over me and wonder is all I feel for them. The ocean has never been more blue nor soothing even among the clashing of its waves, the whisper of its retreat and shimmering light of the sun dancing for me as if to say, come and join me, you idiot. The world is alive! Brimming with activity and noise and light and thunderous joy sparked by those enjoying themselves wafting about in the sea. It’s been too long since I’ve rediscovered these emotions inside me. I’ve shed this weighted cloak and helmet that has been oppressing me, pressing down upon my shoulders and back, blinding me to all that is great and beautiful in this world. I’m back Biatches
Month: July 2020
After my flight last night, when I was walking my Cali girl (see pics), I started to notice some peculiar thoughts. Strange, negative things about people and the walk I was on the fuckin weather. The weirdest thing is I was supposedly happy. I just had a nice long flight, got the job done right with a good crew, and was walking my favorite furry creature, yet I couldn’t help but think the worst of everyone and everything. Granted, I was drained, it was early morning, or late night depending on who you are and your priorities, but still, that’s not who I see my self as. I think that’s why that negativity gets to me so much. It’s because I see my self as the exact opposite. Someone who believes the best in everyone, who gives everyone the benefit of the doubt and withholds judgment on everyone, not someone who gets pissed because I don’t like the way you use a fork, or how happy you are when its this god damn hot out. That isn’t me!!! …But maybe it is. I’ve been fighting this massive internal war between who I believe I am and who my thoughts portray me as. Why the disconnect? Why is there such dissonance between my beliefs and a sense of self? The war has been raging on for months now with very few battles won for team good guy. Team dickhead is feeling very smug about now.
To be clear, the negativity has very rarely boiled over and manifested itself in actions or words. But once is too much for me. I know I am better than that, and I know I can do better than make anyone feel like less than great. That’s why I’ve started this blog, which is just a strange word for a journal, isn’t it? I feel like its the sound Dracula makes when he cums. “You’re going ta make me blog” (said in count Chocula voice). But I digress. Here’s to hoping I can get all my negativity out on here and save anyone from the wrath of the dickhead.
Fuckin’ shit, fuck, well, hahahaha FUCK!
My dad
Couldn’t have said it better than my dad did above. It was one of those days, I’ve been having a lot of them lately. So much so that I’ll just start calling them today. I started out optimistic and even wrote in my 100-day goal journey, but optimism gave way to pessimism and then to downright cynicism wondering why the fuck am I doing anything but watching anime and vigorously masturbating. Despite that feeling, I did what I had to do. dropped my rent a car off. Not one minute later I get a call and knew it was because I wasn’t supposed to have pets in the car. Didn’t answer that. three minutes later I get an email, asking if I had pets in the car accompanied by professional type photos of my dog’s hair as the centerpiece. literally pictures of ONE hair in the trunk of the car, ONE! and it was white! Unless the Cals trans-morphed into a yappy white-haired chihuahua I don’t think it was ours. The other piles were though…It was like a five-minute drive, fuck. Anyway, I get a new alternator for the man van. I’m thinking, if I can charge up the battery to let it coast about a half-mile to the hobby shop I can use there tools and shit to get this thing put in quick. Five hundred feet later, I have parked in front of the tennis courts broke down as shit. Here’s a good a place as any I think and my dad’s voice echoes in the back of my mind. Well, fuck cory, stop fucking around get this fucking shit working again. So, I get all red neck’y and do that damn thing. 3 hours later, 700 fucks and a bunch of traumatized tennis players later I get the damn thing running. A pretty proud moment actually. I am the least mechanically inclined brother for sure so it was satisfying as fuck to get it done. Even with an audience. Only used a hammer thrice which for a Dickey is far too little. I drive off, head held high, coved in grease and scratch marks up to my biceps, which I’m glad to have been training lately, and head home. FUCK YA.
Well, well, well. So, the journey to self-actualization begins! I have a long (never-ending) path to walk to become the best possible version of myself and I’m going to use this blog to keep as accurate accountability of my journey. This last year has been filled with a sense of aimlessness for me. It seems I can’t seem to find a foothold to climb out of this hole that I’ve dug for myself and I need to make some serious changes if I want to be happy with who I am. I wonder if others feel like I do, I mix between accomplished and hopeless. I’ve achieved a great deal but just feel stagnant and unable to find my way. It’s like I’m wandering around a dark cave, my flashlight just died, and I stepped in bear shit. How the fuck do I get out of this situation with all my limbs intact and a new fur coat. I guess that’s kinda what this blog is about for me. The messy, dark, shitty climb out of mediocrity into the light of self-confidence, and nabbing of the spoils of greatness. So how the fuck does one do that? I guess I’ll start by developing what the best version of me looks like.
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