Category: Doing better

A heard your heartbeat a few weeks ago and I don’t think i ever heard something so beautiful. It was strong and fast and alive. I can’t believe it. It still doesn’t feel quite real yet. Your mom isn’t really showing yet and day to day living really hasn’t changed except i tell your mom not to eat soft cheeses and she gets grumpy and does it anyway. I have a feeling you are going to be a stubborn child just like your mother…and me I guess.

A little later a got to see you doing summersaults in her tummy on an ultrasound. It makes me want time to speed up so I can meet you and then completely stop so I can just hold you forever. I cannot wait to see your perfect little face. You got really lucky to have a mother like yours. She is kind, loving, smart, giving, strong-willed when she needs to be, passionate about the things she loves and a great friend. If you turn out even a little like her than I know you will be successful in this life.

We told everybody about you last week as well. Everyone is so excited to meet you, except uncle Derek as your putting a wrench in his 40th birthday plans like I did on his 4th birthday plans when I was born. Like daughter like daddy am I right. They all wondered why we called you wren, and started making bird jokes. Well after your Brittish uncle Richard told everyone that a wren is an adorable little bird. It was a bit funny, but they are dumb so don’t listen to them, joking of course. A Wren is a baby bird, not only does it go well with Dickey but it’s kind of what you will always be to us. You’ll grow up and fly away but we hope you’ll always fly back to us and you’ll always be our little Wren.

Its nice to catch up with friends, especially those you havnt seen in a while. Once you get to chatting and talking about the lost time between you, it’s like time really hasn’t passed. Thats how it feels when catching up with good friends. I have always thought I was pretty good at picking good people to have relationships with. especially dudes, but most of the girlfriends as well. I end up having these really good 2-3 year friendships that eventually peeter out because distance and life, but those I end up choosing are trustworthy and reliable, funny and all around good people. I’d like to say that could be a reflection of myself, or I draw like minded people to me but i think it might be a mix of knowing who not to befriend or let into my inner circle. That is just as important i think. Knowing who to stay away from.
Catching up with old friends is like reading the sequel to your favorite book series, you know the characters but you have to be engaged and interested to know the new stuff they get into/got into. I feel like I get to be in the know, its a privilege really that anyone really gets to develop good meaningful relationships. hmm maybe its more of a necessity. Im a go with the latter because I can eat well, sleep well, workout and work on myself as much as I want but if I can make a meaningful connection with someone, then whats the point of all that? So at the end of my life I can stand tall all alone? I don’t think so, at least not for me. I love getting to know other people, their true selves. The people they are without any other masks on. I want to see who people really are, and I try to be as nice and comforting as i can so they can feel safe enough to share that with me. It hasn’t really been a top priority for me lately. Maybe because I have a built in forever friend in my wonderful wife that I don’t have that deep desire to connect with most anyone else.

Sitting alone in a hotel room in a small town does bring out the need for connection though. Especially with good people.

It’s been a little while. Don’t know why it can feel like pushing a semi up a sheer rock face just to get on this and wiggle my fingers to spell out a few words but it does and that’s why I haven’t written much lately. I might as well write about some things that have happened in the last few months.

I stopped writing after I went to Australia to do some of the missions down there. Talk about a month of bull shit and debauchery. Flying back and forth from Aussie land to Japan through typhoons and shite weather is not my favorite but the beers are what really jacked me up. Ever heard of wizard staffs?! don’t do it, just…don’t. It was basically a month long frat party when we weren’t flying and honestly that was the only thing that kept us sane. Stuck in a tiny dorm room with no internet, one could only punish my dong so much.

After that I met one of the sweetest cutest women I have ever met and boned her. I also will be marring her so it wasn’t just about the poon. She is absolutely wonderful. I am so excited to start our life together. we went on a bunch of fun dates and hikes and I didn’t want to stop spending time with her. Then I was sent to Anchorage for Red Flag.

Anchorage was gorgeous but quite terrible as well. More isolating then Darwin and less freedom surprisingly even though we had cars. we couldn’t go into stores and hardly any food was deliverable and they guy we asked to get food was kind of a dick. it was like they weren’t prepared for us at all. funking stunking. anyway I did have a bunch of time to do nothing which I’m really, troublingly good at. After that 2 weeks quarantine then back with my baby. we had two full months to love each other and it was freaking great! thanksgiving and Christmas were the best I’ve had here and I couldn’t have been happier

Then my sweet baby went on to Yokota for tdy and I was lucky enough to see here up there. stayed with her for a week which was great! then I left for two months.

Back to America for Instructor Upgrade …in Altus yukkkkk. Stayed at a crash pad though so that was dope! it was easier than I thought it was going to be honestly. during that Cody and Lia got to come see me for a while which was dope since I haven’t seen them in over a year and some change. It was not bad but I let my health and my diet slip which affected my well being way more than I thought it would. My body felt light I was full of sludge, movements slow and heavy but that was nothing to how my mind had fallen. I was sluggish, full of anxiety and self doubt. I adjusted and the change was almost instant, two days of hard workouts and confident self talk and I was back to new. Thats something I have to remember when I’m not feeling my true self.

and that brings us back to right now! on ROM reading more manga than I thought possible, creating enough friction rubbing my schlong to light California on fire.

A new day dawns, the pink and golden hues set the sky ablaze. It feels as if the vibrant watercolors are bursting out of me and lighting the sky with their brilliance. Clouds transform from messengers of gloom into awe-inspiring behemoths towering over me and wonder is all I feel for them. The ocean has never been more blue nor soothing even among the clashing of its waves, the whisper of its retreat and shimmering light of the sun dancing for me as if to say, come and join me, you idiot. The world is alive! Brimming with activity and noise and light and thunderous joy sparked by those enjoying themselves wafting about in the sea. It’s been too long since I’ve rediscovered these emotions inside me. I’ve shed this weighted cloak and helmet that has been oppressing me, pressing down upon my shoulders and back, blinding me to all that is great and beautiful in this world. I’m back Biatches