Category: I’m Pappy

Today I found out you were a girl. We were sitting on the couch watching the news before work, I was wearing my comfy vouri sweats, sockless and your mother was wearing her sweats and the Carmel-by-the-Sea sweatshirt we got a few months back visiting your aunt and uncle and cousin in California. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget the look of absolute elation on your mom’s face when she looked up from her phone. She was checking emails and had gotten the results back from the chromosomal test, to find how healthy you were going to be and obviously your sex, when she started making her happy squeaks. You’ll find those just as wonderful as I do soon. She asked, “Do you wanna know?” so fast that it was almost one word, one sound that i had to take a second to realize what she just asked.

Your mother looked up at me, happy tears building steadily in the corners of her eyes and said were having a girl! I couldn’t believe it! we could finally put a name to our little webbed foot alien bean in mom’s belly. You are the cutest fetus tho don’t worry. You’re about 11 1/2 weeks now, barely the size of a poker chip, at least thats what my daddy app says and you have all your little fingers and toes. I’m am so excited to meet you and love you unconditionally.

The news hit me like a rock, I had all the future happiness and worries hit me at the same time which amazed me and stunned me so that i couldn’t respond right away. I am still gripped by both of those. The fear that you might go down the same path as your paternal grandma, future boyfriends im going to have to crush, sending you off to college and worring about creeps, also the joy in witnessing your first steps, your first words all your graduations and accomplishments i get to share with you.

Life is so funny like that. Your mind and your heart negotiate and what you should be feeling on a certain subject and all the emotions get their say as well and you end up with this hurricane of swirling emotions. You always get to choose which emotion you want to focus on though don’t ever forget that. It may be hard trying to wrestle those emotions but you have the biggest say in which one you want to feel.

I can’t believe it. I’m gonna be a dad. It’s the most surreal and exciting thing yet i’m stupefied and terrified at what that actually means. It’s not in the bag yet, I am a little older (35) and I know, well, heard and assume that the chances of pregnancy not going as planned increases with age but, that didn’t stop the tsunami of tears and ugly, happy, hope-no-one-see’s crying that occurred after I got off video chat with my wife at her first ultrasound and ob/gyn appointment. There it was, a little grainy blob on the screen, our grainy little blog no bigger or mo distinguishable than a raspberry, but that heartbeat, goodness… I’m tearing up just thinking about it. What a perfect little blob.

Before today, the feeling that we’re gonna be having a little baby person walk right on out of her butt in 9 months hasn’t really set in. Before today, it was just silent prayer, hoping things are going to go as planned. like arriving at the airport late and hoping your flight is still there. Before today, it just didn’t feel…real. After today that’s all changed. There’s no going back to believing it’s another thing to postpone. This little raspberry has taken its place full force in the center of my thoughts. My dad instincts have been primed and I am fully invested in being the best possible dad I can be.

How lucky CAN I be. I think there are maybe two times in my life where I can remember fully crying happy tears, one being at my wedding and the other seeing this babies heartbeat. How crazy!It’s like all the wishing and planning, baby name searching and child rearing discussions have been attested, like we spoke this baby in to being. The daydream of being a dad is finally being realized. its something i’ve wanted since I can remember. Even in high school the only thing i wanted to be truly good at was being a dad. I don’t know if its cause i got crazy ass parents or i was born with a deep want to procreate like a mother fucka but, the pappy desire has always been there.

I feel, with no real proof yet, that i might be too relaxed with them. My biggest fear honestly is not being tough on them over the right things and too tough on things that don’t matter much in the long run. Well, there are a shit ton of fears to be completely candid but I don’t want to speak any of those into existence. Still a bit superstitious I guess but hey, why risk it.

The stakes are now so incredibly high. I am reeling at how much i love this jelly bean already one the one hand and terrified on the complete devastation of my heart if anything were to happen to it. Is this how most parents feel? what a fine fucking line to walk.

I hope i will be everything that baby needs when they need it.