After my flight last night, when I was walking my Cali girl (see pics), I started to notice some peculiar thoughts. Strange, negative things about people and the walk I was on the fuckin weather. The weirdest thing is I was supposedly happy. I just had a nice long flight, got the job done right with a good crew, and was walking my favorite furry creature, yet I couldn’t help but think the worst of everyone and everything. Granted, I was drained, it was early morning, or late night depending on who you are and your priorities, but still, that’s not who I see my self as. I think that’s why that negativity gets to me so much. It’s because I see my self as the exact opposite. Someone who believes the best in everyone, who gives everyone the benefit of the doubt and withholds judgment on everyone, not someone who gets pissed because I don’t like the way you use a fork, or how happy you are when its this god damn hot out. That isn’t me!!! …But maybe it is. I’ve been fighting this massive internal war between who I believe I am and who my thoughts portray me as. Why the disconnect? Why is there such dissonance between my beliefs and a sense of self? The war has been raging on for months now with very few battles won for team good guy. Team dickhead is feeling very smug about now.
To be clear, the negativity has very rarely boiled over and manifested itself in actions or words. But once is too much for me. I know I am better than that, and I know I can do better than make anyone feel like less than great. That’s why I’ve started this blog, which is just a strange word for a journal, isn’t it? I feel like its the sound Dracula makes when he cums. “You’re going ta make me blog” (said in count Chocula voice). But I digress. Here’s to hoping I can get all my negativity out on here and save anyone from the wrath of the dickhead.
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