Today I found out you were a girl. We were sitting on the couch watching the news before work, I was wearing my comfy vouri sweats, sockless and your mother was wearing her sweats and the Carmel-by-the-Sea sweatshirt we got a few months back visiting your aunt and uncle and cousin in California. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget the look of absolute elation on your mom’s face when she looked up from her phone. She was checking emails and had gotten the results back from the chromosomal test, to find how healthy you were going to be and obviously your sex, when she started making her happy squeaks. You’ll find those just as wonderful as I do soon. She asked, “Do you wanna know?” so fast that it was almost one word, one sound that i had to take a second to realize what she just asked.

Your mother looked up at me, happy tears building steadily in the corners of her eyes and said were having a girl! I couldn’t believe it! we could finally put a name to our little webbed foot alien bean in mom’s belly. You are the cutest fetus tho don’t worry. You’re about 11 1/2 weeks now, barely the size of a poker chip, at least thats what my daddy app says and you have all your little fingers and toes. I’m am so excited to meet you and love you unconditionally.

The news hit me like a rock, I had all the future happiness and worries hit me at the same time which amazed me and stunned me so that i couldn’t respond right away. I am still gripped by both of those. The fear that you might go down the same path as your paternal grandma, future boyfriends im going to have to crush, sending you off to college and worring about creeps, also the joy in witnessing your first steps, your first words all your graduations and accomplishments i get to share with you.

Life is so funny like that. Your mind and your heart negotiate and what you should be feeling on a certain subject and all the emotions get their say as well and you end up with this hurricane of swirling emotions. You always get to choose which emotion you want to focus on though don’t ever forget that. It may be hard trying to wrestle those emotions but you have the biggest say in which one you want to feel.