I can’t believe it. I’m gonna be a dad. It’s the most surreal and exciting thing yet i’m stupefied and terrified at what that actually means. It’s not in the bag yet, I am a little older (35) and I know, well, heard and assume that the chances of pregnancy not going as planned increases with age but, that didn’t stop the tsunami of tears and ugly, happy, hope-no-one-see’s crying that occurred after I got off video chat with my wife at her first ultrasound and ob/gyn appointment. There it was, a little grainy blob on the screen, our grainy little blog no bigger or mo distinguishable than a raspberry, but that heartbeat, goodness… I’m tearing up just thinking about it. What a perfect little blob.

Before today, the feeling that we’re gonna be having a little baby person walk right on out of her butt in 9 months hasn’t really set in. Before today, it was just silent prayer, hoping things are going to go as planned. like arriving at the airport late and hoping your flight is still there. Before today, it just didn’t feel…real. After today that’s all changed. There’s no going back to believing it’s another thing to postpone. This little raspberry has taken its place full force in the center of my thoughts. My dad instincts have been primed and I am fully invested in being the best possible dad I can be.

How lucky CAN I be. I think there are maybe two times in my life where I can remember fully crying happy tears, one being at my wedding and the other seeing this babies heartbeat. How crazy!It’s like all the wishing and planning, baby name searching and child rearing discussions have been attested, like we spoke this baby in to being. The daydream of being a dad is finally being realized. its something i’ve wanted since I can remember. Even in high school the only thing i wanted to be truly good at was being a dad. I don’t know if its cause i got crazy ass parents or i was born with a deep want to procreate like a mother fucka but, the pappy desire has always been there.

I feel, with no real proof yet, that i might be too relaxed with them. My biggest fear honestly is not being tough on them over the right things and too tough on things that don’t matter much in the long run. Well, there are a shit ton of fears to be completely candid but I don’t want to speak any of those into existence. Still a bit superstitious I guess but hey, why risk it.

The stakes are now so incredibly high. I am reeling at how much i love this jelly bean already one the one hand and terrified on the complete devastation of my heart if anything were to happen to it. Is this how most parents feel? what a fine fucking line to walk.

I hope i will be everything that baby needs when they need it.